It's Like Friendship but without the Friendship

There is someone that I know and don't like very well. This person isn't a bad person but they bring out the worst parts of me when I'm around them. I don't like being with them but to reject them would be cruel. Being this person's friend is cruel too but at least playing pretend for a little while longer would be better than letting this person be exiled because of me. Every time I see this person, I always think; leave, go away, don't stay here, why did you come. I know the answer already. This person wants to be surrounded by friends. Doesn't want to be left out. Doesn't want to be alone. But the fact of the matter is they are almost always alone. There's nothing they can do to change it. I want to reach out to tell them the truth and even be the one to comfort them but I can't because I don't want to be with this person either. It's not because of how others feel about them but because of how I personally feel. They can't change my opinion and I don't want them to feel like they have to. Sometimes people don't click with each other. It's nobody's fault. It's weird but what I feel is like a non malicious hate. I don't want to be around you ever and I don't want to help you because I feel like you're ignoring obvious things just to be able to be with people who don't truly want you around. At the same time, I don't want you to suffer. At the same time, I don't mind if you do since you're choosing to ignore the obvious. 

Even thinking about you makes me feel like an awful person. But am I being a bad friend if I don't even consider you a friend? Do I owe you something because you still kind of think of us that way? Either way, time will set us both free. You'll never read this but I have some advice for you in the future: find what you're looking for and try to avoid doing then what you do now or you'l lose it. And get in where you fit in, trying to be somewhere where you don't truly belong leads to the sadness I see in your eyes. 

4/4/2015 1:16am

This is another night that my hands want to write more than I have words to actually say.

Dreams

My dreams are interesting again. Sometimes I'm in space and that's pretty baller.

I Hate Titling Blogs

I do believe this is the third time I'm starting this blog over without acknowledging where I was going with the last one. It's kind of turned into an incomplete online list for my nerd obsessions i.e anime, manga and books. I forget to list stuff I'm been watching and reading. I can be lazy.
And often chose to be.
But I'm working on it. It might not seem like it because I'm dicking around on the internet but I am. I'm restarting my swimming everyday thing and I'm getting a passport so I can take a trip to Japan.

I want to lose at least 25 lbs before summer. Carson has already agreed to help me. Should he fail me... Well, I'll ruin his summer with weight lose regimes.

2015 update

I think I might be a bad person. If I'm not a bad person than I can easily say that I'm not a good one. Whenever I use the word 'I' I feel self centered and annoyed. I don't want to see it but I can't not when I'm narrating my own thoughts. I reread some of the stuff I've written and honestly, I sound crazy. I feel like every time I start writing again, I'm a new person. And that may just be the case.

I don't really write often anymore. After all the shit that happened with Audrey and the dwindling down of my friends, the horror of not being able to graduate when I thought I would, getting a new apartment, me working at the casino, and my decision to save up for a new expensive laptop instead of getting the cheaper one, I feel like I've made another shift. 

I feel older now. I never wanted to change myself at least not completely. My weight needs to go down, I need to learn how to do a few things but I don't want to give up on the key part of me that likes to stay up late reading and writing and daydreaming. I still want to be able to be neutral to people. I don't like how I think or want everyone to be my friend. I liked when I didn't want friends and didn't expect to make them. I also liked when I felt completely content not being liked. 

The problems lies in the fact that I expected to make friends that I would keep forever now. Carson is one. All the others no longer make the cut or are no longer around for it to be relevant. 

A lot of my new future decisions are going to come from whether or not Carson stays here for graduate school or goes someplace else. If he leaves here, he'll still pay his part of the rent so I don't have to worry about being homeless but I do have to worry about being lonely since 90% of the positive friend-human interaction I get is from him. He's currently my only mutual friend. I mean, I do have people I could text and hang out with but let's be for real, he's the only one I really hang out with or talk too. I'm not honest with him than with anyone else. I leave off maybe 5-10% of myself. Any other percent I leave out simply because I know he's not interested in it. Like my daydreaming and whatnot. 

Those last few really focused on friendship. I'm really bummed on they worked out I guess.