Even thinking about you makes me feel like an awful person. But am I being a bad friend if I don't even consider you a friend? Do I owe you something because you still kind of think of us that way? Either way, time will set us both free. You'll never read this but I have some advice for you in the future: find what you're looking for and try to avoid doing then what you do now or you'l lose it. And get in where you fit in, trying to be somewhere where you don't truly belong leads to the sadness I see in your eyes.
Wednesday, October 21, 2015
It's Like Friendship but without the Friendship
There is someone that I know and don't like very well. This person isn't a bad person but they bring out the worst parts of me when I'm around them. I don't like being with them but to reject them would be cruel. Being this person's friend is cruel too but at least playing pretend for a little while longer would be better than letting this person be exiled because of me. Every time I see this person, I always think; leave, go away, don't stay here, why did you come. I know the answer already. This person wants to be surrounded by friends. Doesn't want to be left out. Doesn't want to be alone. But the fact of the matter is they are almost always alone. There's nothing they can do to change it. I want to reach out to tell them the truth and even be the one to comfort them but I can't because I don't want to be with this person either. It's not because of how others feel about them but because of how I personally feel. They can't change my opinion and I don't want them to feel like they have to. Sometimes people don't click with each other. It's nobody's fault. It's weird but what I feel is like a non malicious hate. I don't want to be around you ever and I don't want to help you because I feel like you're ignoring obvious things just to be able to be with people who don't truly want you around. At the same time, I don't want you to suffer. At the same time, I don't mind if you do since you're choosing to ignore the obvious.
Friday, April 3, 2015
4/4/2015 1:16am
This is another night that my hands want to write more than I have words to actually say.
Sunday, March 15, 2015
I Hate Titling Blogs
I do believe this is the third time I'm starting this blog over without acknowledging where I was going with the last one. It's kind of turned into an incomplete online list for my nerd obsessions i.e anime, manga and books. I forget to list stuff I'm been watching and reading. I can be lazy.
And often chose to be.
But I'm working on it. It might not seem like it because I'm dicking around on the internet but I am. I'm restarting my swimming everyday thing and I'm getting a passport so I can take a trip to Japan.
I want to lose at least 25 lbs before summer. Carson has already agreed to help me. Should he fail me... Well, I'll ruin his summer with weight lose regimes.
And often chose to be.
But I'm working on it. It might not seem like it because I'm dicking around on the internet but I am. I'm restarting my swimming everyday thing and I'm getting a passport so I can take a trip to Japan.
I want to lose at least 25 lbs before summer. Carson has already agreed to help me. Should he fail me... Well, I'll ruin his summer with weight lose regimes.
Thursday, January 15, 2015
2015 update
I think I might be a bad person. If I'm not a bad person than I can easily say that I'm not a good one. Whenever I use the word 'I' I feel self centered and annoyed. I don't want to see it but I can't not when I'm narrating my own thoughts. I reread some of the stuff I've written and honestly, I sound crazy. I feel like every time I start writing again, I'm a new person. And that may just be the case.
I don't really write often anymore. After all the shit that happened with Audrey and the dwindling down of my friends, the horror of not being able to graduate when I thought I would, getting a new apartment, me working at the casino, and my decision to save up for a new expensive laptop instead of getting the cheaper one, I feel like I've made another shift.
I feel older now. I never wanted to change myself at least not completely. My weight needs to go down, I need to learn how to do a few things but I don't want to give up on the key part of me that likes to stay up late reading and writing and daydreaming. I still want to be able to be neutral to people. I don't like how I think or want everyone to be my friend. I liked when I didn't want friends and didn't expect to make them. I also liked when I felt completely content not being liked.
The problems lies in the fact that I expected to make friends that I would keep forever now. Carson is one. All the others no longer make the cut or are no longer around for it to be relevant.
A lot of my new future decisions are going to come from whether or not Carson stays here for graduate school or goes someplace else. If he leaves here, he'll still pay his part of the rent so I don't have to worry about being homeless but I do have to worry about being lonely since 90% of the positive friend-human interaction I get is from him. He's currently my only mutual friend. I mean, I do have people I could text and hang out with but let's be for real, he's the only one I really hang out with or talk too. I'm not honest with him than with anyone else. I leave off maybe 5-10% of myself. Any other percent I leave out simply because I know he's not interested in it. Like my daydreaming and whatnot.
Those last few really focused on friendship. I'm really bummed on they worked out I guess.
Saturday, June 2, 2012
Anomalies part 1
Have you ever looked at the people around you and wondered what their true selves were? I don't mean just knowing how they really feel or how they really act when they know they won't be judged. I mean who they really are, the them that even they themselves may not even be fully aware of.
I know that everyone is supposed to be unique but if we're all honest lots of people are basically the same but with a different face. It's not a bad thing. If everyone was too different they wouldn't be able to connect to one another. That being said there are plenty of people who are very different, not to say this is bad either, but to truly stand out alongside others they are anomalies.
Anomalies are people who stand out. That goes without saying. The thing that makes them so fantastic is not that they stand out but what it is about them that makes them stand out. I think sometimes that it's something in their spirits or something about their true identities.
Anomalies may not even be easy to spot at first but once you notice them they will never blend into the background as neatly as they did before, if they ever had. I myself must have run into dozens of anomalies without taking time out to register what I was seeing. I decided to change that by taking a better look at people.
I have an older sister who is an idea. I knew that there was something about her ever since I was young but I never truly looked into it. Now I think I have a better understanding of her. She was created by my mother, my other sisters, my brother and I. She is the idea of improvement and the concept of being better and freeing yourself from limitation and underachievement. I believe that we all created her from our desire to be better. There are plenty of people who want this but a person was not created from this desire. The reason being is that my family had/has the pure potential to be better. We all just need to be pushed. It's what brought her to life. She became the physical manifestation of our ability to be greater. Every one who comes across her will find themselves wanting to be better. She doesn't make you better, but awakens and nudges the potential inside ever so slightly so that we may feel the urging to go forth and accomplish something.
My mother fought against her potential because she found it easier to fail but deep inside she wanted/wants to be more otherwise my sister wouldn't have been created.
The form that my older sister's potential takes is that of a gps. It shows her where to go but she enjoys the ride so much that she refuses to make the right turns. Her desire to make the right turns and do the right thing will never leave her otherwise my sister wouldn't have been created.
My older sister who is younger than the idea is a jack of all trades, master of none. She takes the form of a granite statue unmoved by the things around her and content to live in a garden of concrete statues. Nothing is wrong with being content with life, no ones needs to always be trying to take more than they have but she has the potential to stand in a garden of granite statues. Because she is still and doesn't look around her she doesn't see that she is different from those around her and can move on to a better garden, but she has the potential deep inside to see the truth of her worth and act otherwise my sister wouldn't have been created.
My brother likes to play around doesn't often see the repercussions of his actions. He doesn't take the world seriously enough because to him it's all a game. Not to say he shouldn't enjoy life but he always seems to need guidance. My sister, the idea, is his jiminy cricket. Whispering and telling him to take things, including himself a little more seriously. She's helping him make the transition from silly cartoon to a real boy who has real goals and responsibilities. Deep inside he knows that he has the potential to stop being a child and allow himself to become someone dependable and respectable otherwise my sister wouldn't have been created.
I have always on some level been aware of what I could do and what I could be. I lacked motivation. The idea needed someone to reach their potential and looked to me with gleaming eyes and a sly smile. Because of who I am I forget my motivation from time to time but I always remember and some point and go right back to accomplishing my goals. If I didn't have the potential to be great then my sister wouldn't have been created.
My sister was the first anomalies I studied.
I know that everyone is supposed to be unique but if we're all honest lots of people are basically the same but with a different face. It's not a bad thing. If everyone was too different they wouldn't be able to connect to one another. That being said there are plenty of people who are very different, not to say this is bad either, but to truly stand out alongside others they are anomalies.
Anomalies are people who stand out. That goes without saying. The thing that makes them so fantastic is not that they stand out but what it is about them that makes them stand out. I think sometimes that it's something in their spirits or something about their true identities.
Anomalies may not even be easy to spot at first but once you notice them they will never blend into the background as neatly as they did before, if they ever had. I myself must have run into dozens of anomalies without taking time out to register what I was seeing. I decided to change that by taking a better look at people.
I have an older sister who is an idea. I knew that there was something about her ever since I was young but I never truly looked into it. Now I think I have a better understanding of her. She was created by my mother, my other sisters, my brother and I. She is the idea of improvement and the concept of being better and freeing yourself from limitation and underachievement. I believe that we all created her from our desire to be better. There are plenty of people who want this but a person was not created from this desire. The reason being is that my family had/has the pure potential to be better. We all just need to be pushed. It's what brought her to life. She became the physical manifestation of our ability to be greater. Every one who comes across her will find themselves wanting to be better. She doesn't make you better, but awakens and nudges the potential inside ever so slightly so that we may feel the urging to go forth and accomplish something.
My mother fought against her potential because she found it easier to fail but deep inside she wanted/wants to be more otherwise my sister wouldn't have been created.
The form that my older sister's potential takes is that of a gps. It shows her where to go but she enjoys the ride so much that she refuses to make the right turns. Her desire to make the right turns and do the right thing will never leave her otherwise my sister wouldn't have been created.
My older sister who is younger than the idea is a jack of all trades, master of none. She takes the form of a granite statue unmoved by the things around her and content to live in a garden of concrete statues. Nothing is wrong with being content with life, no ones needs to always be trying to take more than they have but she has the potential to stand in a garden of granite statues. Because she is still and doesn't look around her she doesn't see that she is different from those around her and can move on to a better garden, but she has the potential deep inside to see the truth of her worth and act otherwise my sister wouldn't have been created.
My brother likes to play around doesn't often see the repercussions of his actions. He doesn't take the world seriously enough because to him it's all a game. Not to say he shouldn't enjoy life but he always seems to need guidance. My sister, the idea, is his jiminy cricket. Whispering and telling him to take things, including himself a little more seriously. She's helping him make the transition from silly cartoon to a real boy who has real goals and responsibilities. Deep inside he knows that he has the potential to stop being a child and allow himself to become someone dependable and respectable otherwise my sister wouldn't have been created.
I have always on some level been aware of what I could do and what I could be. I lacked motivation. The idea needed someone to reach their potential and looked to me with gleaming eyes and a sly smile. Because of who I am I forget my motivation from time to time but I always remember and some point and go right back to accomplishing my goals. If I didn't have the potential to be great then my sister wouldn't have been created.
My sister was the first anomalies I studied.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Starting fresh
My older sister known as has inspired me to take this back up again. Originally this was going to be an online diary type deal( that could be openly criticized by all who inhabit the internet) but now I want something different than a record of my hormones and angst. I mean I've never been a omgIlostmyphonemylifeisliterallyover or a myboyfriendismysoulmatenadifhedumpsmeIwillliterallydiealone type of teenager but seeing as I didn't travel the world or something of similar interest I figured I had nothing else to offer the world that wouldn't come across as such.
After looking at my sister's blog
http://gofollowyourthoughts.blogspot.com/2012/04/seriousness-of-sharing.html (check it out by the way!)
I decided that I even without being as amazing as her I am still moderately entertaining if nothing else. I could think of something!
After thinking and thinking and thinking I came to an answer. Thinking. Not just rambling (though I fear some of my posts will appear as such) but what goes on in my head as the days go on.
Even if no on reads these and this blog is buried in the deepest creaks of the interwebs, at least my thoughts will be written. Who knows, this blog might be the only virtual evidence of my descent into madness.
After looking at my sister's blog
http://gofollowyourthoughts.blogspot.com/2012/04/seriousness-of-sharing.html (check it out by the way!)
I decided that I even without being as amazing as her I am still moderately entertaining if nothing else. I could think of something!
After thinking and thinking and thinking I came to an answer. Thinking. Not just rambling (though I fear some of my posts will appear as such) but what goes on in my head as the days go on.
Even if no on reads these and this blog is buried in the deepest creaks of the interwebs, at least my thoughts will be written. Who knows, this blog might be the only virtual evidence of my descent into madness.
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