I don't really write often anymore. After all the shit that happened with Audrey and the dwindling down of my friends, the horror of not being able to graduate when I thought I would, getting a new apartment, me working at the casino, and my decision to save up for a new expensive laptop instead of getting the cheaper one, I feel like I've made another shift.
I feel older now. I never wanted to change myself at least not completely. My weight needs to go down, I need to learn how to do a few things but I don't want to give up on the key part of me that likes to stay up late reading and writing and daydreaming. I still want to be able to be neutral to people. I don't like how I think or want everyone to be my friend. I liked when I didn't want friends and didn't expect to make them. I also liked when I felt completely content not being liked.
The problems lies in the fact that I expected to make friends that I would keep forever now. Carson is one. All the others no longer make the cut or are no longer around for it to be relevant.
A lot of my new future decisions are going to come from whether or not Carson stays here for graduate school or goes someplace else. If he leaves here, he'll still pay his part of the rent so I don't have to worry about being homeless but I do have to worry about being lonely since 90% of the positive friend-human interaction I get is from him. He's currently my only mutual friend. I mean, I do have people I could text and hang out with but let's be for real, he's the only one I really hang out with or talk too. I'm not honest with him than with anyone else. I leave off maybe 5-10% of myself. Any other percent I leave out simply because I know he's not interested in it. Like my daydreaming and whatnot.
Those last few really focused on friendship. I'm really bummed on they worked out I guess.
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